Be Impeccable with your Word

Don’t take Anything Personally

Don’t make Assumptions

Always do your Best

It hit me this morning. I’m always just a moment away from depression. Not major depression – just a hint; on the borderline. I’m certainly not sunshine.

Maybe waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Maybe thinking the worst first.

Maybe missing people too much.

Maybe playing shoulda/woulda/coulda’s.

Maybe judging myself too harshly.

Maybe rehashing the bad stuff,  rather than relishing the good stuff.

I run Dark.

Donna Ashworth

….David Foster Wallace…

It’s been awhile.

the most obvious, important realities are often the ones that are hardest to see .

Since moving to GJ, I have made some momentous decisions, changes, and adopted some new philosophies. Much of what I’ve changed in my life is a direct reflection from some  pain, and my thoughts about living my  best life.

Life on this planet is short.

I  want to be a good, kind person.

I want to live a compassionate life.

I will practice inclusivity not exclusivity.

I will celebrate people.

I will be more aware of my choices.

I am part of a village.

“This is water”   – David Foster Wallace – The Conscious Awareness of Others

….. Yogi Berra

I turned 70 yesterday. This has been  without a doubt, the most challenging year in my life so far. But  I agree with  the great Yogi Berra, so it really  doesn’t matter which way you go – just keep going.

What a journey.  My life has certainly changed.   I tried many different paths in my early years. But, I don’t think I really became ‘Me’ until I moved to Boulder.. I remember when I found Boulder and  felt that Boulder would forever be my fit. In so many ways, I really grew up in Boulder. It became my place, my soul, my home. I loved being part of  the ‘Republic of Boulder’.  But,  the fit started to unravel. I found that I stopped taking part in Boulder. I became complacent and boring. Boulder now belonged to the Beryl Teischman’s  of the world.

And so, I take another fork.

Who knows how long I have left on this planet. I am still hoping for 20  more GOOD years.  So far – it’s been a  challenge. Life has thrown me many curve balls this year.  I am trying to continue to move forward. Although the backward steps have knocked me down somewhat.

Let these next years bring strength and a new happiness to me. Let my 70’s be filled with new experiences, new strengths, new friends, new wonder, even new crazys.  Let me have a good time left.

here’s the start…

Darkness Darkness

Both Sides Now

I Won’t Back Down

Touch of Grey

The Dance

Freedom

Everybody knows this is Nowhere

100 years

Reading and binge watching.

In an instant so much can change. Now, how to deal with this trauma .  I will have a New Normal.

Traumatic experiences often involve a threat to life or safety, but any situation
that leaves you feeling overwhelmed and isolated can result in trauma, even if it
doesn’t involve physical harm. It’s not the objective circumstances that determine
whether an event is traumatic, but your subjective emotional experience of the
event. The more frightened and helpless you feel, the more likely you are to be
traumatized.

Numerous books on Alternate Realities….. Quantum Physics:

Book of 2 Ways, Wish You Were Here, With or Without You, Midnight Library

Moved out to Grand Junction. The first 2 weeks were great. I fell in love with my new home.

Then catastrophe happened. I fell out of our moving truck. Broke my femur. A nightmare began.  If only I could recall those 5 minutes of careless thinking.

Hospital – dark dark dark.  Recovering now for 2 + months. Still no weight on my leg.  Trying to build bone. Hopefully I will be able to start the long process of recovery soon. My dreams have been dashed. My emotions are out of control. I find myself in deep despair most days. Wondering what if, what will my next day(s) look like?  Will I ever be whole again?

I am an invalid.

Dark, depressed. Despair.

You Got this

Packing up my home – and getting ready for a new chapter in my life in GJ. I’m overwhelmed. Twice so far she popped up on my phone from my contacts – for no reason – out of the blue.  She has been gone for about 2 years…..yet – there she was. Telling me she was there for me , watching out for me. I love you Mom. I know you’re always watching out for me somewhere.

We put our house on the market.

STRESSED, STRESSED,STRESSED. Within 2 days we got 4 offers – with one of them being a very nice price. Unfortunately the buyer did change the offer; lowered by $35k (!)  due to a sewer issue.   I felt strongly that I did not want to negotiate their new offer… although it did really seem excessive.  Good news is  that they are letting us stay there for 60 days after closing, AND they sent us a most amazing letter.  I have poured my heart and soul into this house and they got me. They loved the house, They will cherish it as much as I do. I feel like I am dreaming. But – I am convinced that once again Mom orchestrated this for me. I am never alone – she is always there. Her love remains strong, steadfast, and unconditional.  I am blessed.

the love letter:

During this Pandemic I have somehow been drawn to read these books that are about Wild Strong Women. Is the Universe trying to tell me something?

City of Girls

In An Instant – Finn

The Signature of  All things – Alma

When We were Mermaids – Kit and Josie

The Four Winds – Elsa and Loreda

the theory of compartmentalization of decay. When tress get an injury the cells around the wound change and put up a wall that contains the process of decay. Around that wall, a different kind of change in the cells  forms another wall. and so on, and so on…. The protective walls allowed the growth of wood to continue around the injury, even as it turned hollow.

Living and surviving through one of the darkest times in American History – the great depression, the  mid west dust bowls. Keeping a family afloat . The winds are a brutal powerful force of nature.  “Eerily timely as it highlights the ways women rally during a national crisis.” Strength and resilience of women.

My blog has become so much more than examining friendship. As a result, today I’m thinking about changes. Some of my major changes:

Moving to Boulder. Meeting Diane.  Getting certified in computer programming – and then meeting Margaret. My beautiful and complicated Carter. Getting a job at IBM and meeting Tom.  My Mother. Finding the love and soul of a dog : Penny.   And, now starting a new chapter building our dream forever home in  Grand Junction.

Darwin’s natural selection.  Beautiful ramifications of change.

The Signature of All Things    Elizabeth Gilbert

Divine time, geological time, human time, moss time.

Super celestial thought… subterranean conduct.

The nightmare of the last four years culminating with the horrifying events of January 6th 2020 are over……. (1/13 – wellllll almost )

The dark curtain is lifting and a new day is dawning. A time of peace, light, healing. There is so much to mend, and so much work that needs to be done. But, I am hopeful at long last that we can all begin the process of treating each other with kindness and respect.

A new term for me : trump –  a noun synonymous with viciousness, vileness, ugliness, lies , ( and that would be including Nol).   I will never knowingly buy or support anyone who has supported him – including my pillow and goya products. I will never understand or want to be around  anyone who voices any support for him .

I hope never to hear or have to see him again, or have to see his ugly family again either.  Realistically, I know that they will all continue to be in the news, but I really pray that their power and obscenities will begin to fade away into their darkness. Name calling days are over.

Now – I can breathe again. It is time to move towards freedom and goodness. Time to start healing from the horrible last four years. The worst years of my life.

When something bad happens you have three choices. You can either let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.    —– Dr.Seuss

this has been a really wonderful week. We got our country back. Donald Trump was defeated. True to form he continues to call out people, bullying, calling names and being so totally offensive that it is hard to sit by and just trust in the democratic process. But – I will. And we will move forward.  This is a beautiful time of regrowth, truth, kindness, healing.   I know it will be  hard to wipe out the devastating damage that was done in these last 4 years. But – I am looking forward so eagerly and so joyfully . It will be great to have a President  and first family that have some class and dignity, and can take us back to an era that seemed so lost and hopeless just a month ago.

I wrote about Repairing the World in an earlier post. It pertains to our beautiful country.  Tikkun Olam

You can Chose your friends, but you can’t chose your family

I  am amazed that Tom’s family is upset about the election.  I had hoped that they would have seen Trump for his divisiveness, his lies, his  lack of morals and values. But, they are more concerned about their money than they are about kindness, healing, empathy. They are angry, little people only concerned with themselves and their small world. I have always known that Nan was  bigoted, and an ugly racist, however Janice shocks me.  She talks about socialism and how “scared” she is of socialist policies. But, I don’t think she really knows what she is saying.  They are words she has heard Nan spout off.  Of course they love their social security and Medicare….”but that is not socialism”….hmmmm – then what is it??  I thought she was better than that. I had hoped that she was good.  NOT SO.  And….. Abigail  – sorry for you …. wtf – the only time she has ever acknowledged me on FB – and it is her little ‘angry’ icon. Abd it appears that she learned her stupidity from her mother – who thinks this is “Epic Entertainment”.  What is wrong with these people?!

Moving Forward

The last 4 years have taken it’s toll of everyone. For some of us it made us so sad and so unsure of ourselves and our goodness. But we did not lose our moral compass. We just needed to bring those years to this golden conclusion. One thing that has come out of those horrendous years is that it is  now crystal clear to me who are the  people that I want in my life now and moving forward.  I will never EVER understand how people could think that   DJT  could be the head of our Nation. And I don’t know how they could have voted for him yet again after they saw the type of person he proved himself to be again and again. However, that is their unfortunate choice.  I just feel sorry for them.  But, it is the people who still spew their vitriol and continue to be so ugly and hateful and angry, and don’t want a healing process after the outcome of this election…. these are the people that I honestly can’t have in my life any longer.

This is also kind of a closed chapter with Nol. Her bullying tactics and ugliness that  I have equated with DJT, are over too.

Looking up this morning while taking a shower, I saw in the skylight window a perfectly placed feather. It was absolutely centered, and even placed as you would frame a painting with more weight on the bottom 3rd. I know my Mother, and her sensibilities about framing and displaying art were impeccable. This was her sign to me. After my shower I ran to get my camera. The feather had already started drifting, and was not so perfectly placed.  What are the chances that I would happen to look up at exactly the time that the feather was displayed so perfectly??  As i continued to watch the feather it just blew away.

I have been thinking a lot lately of my mother, and missing her terribly.  Sometimes I just can’t believe that she is gone. Thank-you so much mom for sending me this sign and letting me know that you are still there for me, still watching out for me, and still caring. It is hard not to have her in my physical life any longer. But – she sends me these signs. I see her in the clouds. I see her in the ‘glorious flowers’.  I am still opening up books that she sent to me with her loving handwritten notes to me.

I would so love to call her and talk with her. She knows me better than just about anyone. She is still there. I feel her presence.

“Feathers appear when Angels are near”

this is a difficult post to write, I have really mixed feelings – but , my blog is my place  where I can work these feelings out. So here goes….

I started playing  duplicate Bridge with a woman who fast became my special person (G). We took classes together, learned together,  played together, shared life stories. We developed a very strong bond. And everyone knew of our partnership. It was fun to win with her, and we commiserated together when we lost. We spent hours working through hands together.

During this pandemic, another woman who had been my partner’s friend for many years, needed a new partner. Slowly I watched G start playing with her on days that  we were not playing. THey became very  very good together. To the point where  they were usually winning every game that they played together.  Of course they were happy and wanted to play more together to optimize their new partnership.

Many times I get notices about how well they’ve done together, and see congratulation notes about them. I’m on the sidelines  – wishing them well, but feeling  dejected.  I am happy for G, yet very sad to lose our bond that we had for a number of years.  It is bittersweet. G and I still play a couple of games together, but it’s not the same. I have lost my special person , my ‘partner in crime’.  I miss Our connection.

Working it through.

I am obsessed with Hamilton.  I spent the $7 to get Disney +.  Already I have watched it 3 times, and plan on more.

Hamilton; a Metaphor for life

It’s uncanny to me that a book, a piece of music, a movie, a person can come into your life at the exact moment that you need it to. Hamilton has done that for me.   It’s a  meditation on death and what’s left behind. The ticking clock of mortality and leaving a legacy.  Maybe there is a fine line between good and evil. And that line gets crossed multiple times in your lifetime.

Layers and Complexity

Aside from all that,  it is dazzling and completely entertaining.  It knocks it out of the park. I have never seen a show that encompasses all this. The soundtrack, the choreography….  I keep learning more and more every time I watch it. There are so many layers, and I am amazed at the complexity of this show. For example  today I just read about the foreshadowing of “the Bullet”.  And the musicality – omg!  Each song in this show is a theater onto itself. Am I gushing yet??? Breathtaking lines – like in “Satisfied”, Songs so amazingly and beautifully sung like “Helpless”.  And amidst  all this brilliance there is a major lesson on American History; which made me delve into the times of Alexander Hamilton, his contemporaries, and the real birth of our Nation.

In many ways I find myself relating to  Aaron Burr.   A smart, good man who just wanted more…who watched a scruffy upstart surpass him. It seemed to be more  than he could bear.  I love his advice to Hamilton… Talk Less – Smile More. He narrates the tale of Hamilton –  I felt his frustration dramatically mount as he tried to fulfill and write his own legacy.  As he said – he is remembered not for his mind, his intelligence , – but – as a power seeking villain who is forever infamous for his one very horrible deed… a deed that almost seemed to have been predestined from his first meeting with Hamilton. He is the very fine line between good and evil.