For Good

How to get through this….In the blink of an eye, the state of things as they exist have forever changed. I need to surround myself with beauty, music, art, friends. Diversions, inspirations, hope, kindness, new meanings.

H=R/E

Happiness = Reality/Expectations

To increase your happiness either increase your reality, or lower your expectations.

Real life scenario: H=4/8…. if I raise my reality to an 8 – let’s say by moving to a place where I would love to be, getting more people in my life, working out more, etc, etc… then my happiness score is now 8/8. Much better.

On the other hand – if I don’t change my reality but now I lower my expectations to a 4 then my score is now 4/4. Better again.

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As I just reread this post, I don’t want to do an injustice to another great dog of ours….Pepper. Pepper was very different from Penny. We were Pepper’s pack. Pepper just wanted to be with us at all times. She didn’t love the outdoors, she didn’t love running around with other dogs….she just loved us.

Our Bubba-Dog:

 

Some words when spoken can’t be taken back. Words can sting, words can hurt. Words are remembered long after they are spoken.

The 2 most powerful phrases – I’m sorry and Thank-you.

There are somethings that can never be put back the way they were….. like that little box of tissues. They come out easily,  intertwined with the next one. But it is impossible to put them back the same way.

Looking back through past generations, I sometimes think how old fashioned they were. And, it’s kind of funny because I know that they probably felt they were so modern just as we do now. Times change so rapidly. What’s new becomes old and out of touch so quickly. What seemed so radical at the time,  now looking back seems so

the really big invention in my lifetime so far was the internet. I remember my husband coming into my office at IBM with these diskettes that he said had the ‘internet on them’ – that old black spider crawler. How funny. . I thought he was crazy – and thought why do I need all this useless information…

things that have become outdated or radically changed in my lifetime so far:   encyclopedias for information, dressing up for travel – flying – pan am, black and white tv and the different sizes of tv – remember those huge heavy clunky tv’s, phone service and long distance, segregation and busing, maps, computers, cameras, gps, INTERNET, cell phones

 

 

 

My mom passed away on July 15, 2019.

She suffered a stroke on July 7th,  while we were taking her out to dinner. On the way to the restaurant she was in great spirits – remarking how ‘glorious’ the flowers were. She had no problem getting into the car. We got to the restaurant (right around the corner) – and she could not get out of the car. I kept telling her how to move her legs – trying to get her to get out of the car and into her wheelchair. Eventually we got her into the restaurant and things went from bad to worse. She was totally slumped over – and could not talk or move. It became very obvious that something was terribly wrong. She had suffered a stroke. I called hospice and we got her out of the restaurant . But first – because we were in major denial – I had to order her a salmon dinner. We had the restaurant pack up our meals and waited for hospice. Danielle came within 10 minutes. We could not get Mom back into the car. She could not move on her own. We called 911 – immediately the ambulance and fire trucks came. They were going to take her to the hospital. We told them absolutely not…they made a call – and said that they would help us get mom back to the Carillon. Hospice kicked in right away – ordering a hospital bed – and getting mom situated. I set up 24/7 care for her. Mom still could not talk , and she was exhausted.  After about 2 hours I left.  Came back the following morning – and it was obvious that this was the ‘big’one that the doctors had told us was coming. Mom was conscious, and kind of knew what was going on – but – it became clear that her 9 lives had run out. She died a week later.  I  told mom as I held her hand that week – that ‘we got this’… and that she was there for my first breath, and I would be there for her for her last breath. I was able to honor that promise. THere is  much more to this story and the week from 7/7/- 7/15….but – I want to talk about Mom…..

My Mother

So brave – moving out of NY after over 80 years – leaving her friends, family to come out here to unknown territory. SCS had asked her to be out for her birthday – and mom made that happen. We were blessed to have her here for 3 plus years.

Mom’s love of fine things in life; art, going to Museums, pinging crystal together, theater, critical thinking, education and life long learning. Reading The New York Times, always sharing thoughts and articles….She inspired and encouraged me to follow my passions and find my way. I am still finding her notes in art books that we loved and shared together. Just today I found her note to me in the Matisse Jazz book that she and I both loved. Mom liked this quote in the book “When I have arranged a bouquet in order to paint it, I go around to the side that I have not looked at.”

She was So proud of getting her Masters from NYU. She worked during the day and went to school at night. She graduated Magna cum laude. And in between she was our mother.

Mom’s sense of style, and grace. I remember watching her get dressed to go out with my dad – and being in awe of her beauty. She wore very little makeup. She was a natural beauty. 

My Mom was also one of the smartest people I ever knew.  I always found myself calling her to hear her perspective on events – be it my events, national events, or world events.

She knew me better than anyone else. She knew how I was doing just from hearing my voice or even seeing my face.

Mom’s love for us all was pure– and then in the last 31 years – she was so so proud of her grand kids.

Relationships are complicated – and ours was certainly no exception. But in the end it boiled down to one simple fact….. we loved each other, and we knew that.

She is my guardian angel.

She was there for my first breath and I was honored to be there for her last.

We started as one, and now you live on forever; a part of me, in my heart.

Ending with a quote from Walt Whitman :

Keep your face always toward the sunshine, and shadows will fall behind you. 

Signs from my Mother and Amazing things that happened to me after Mom died. She knew how much I needed her.

Mom is there with me. My guardian angel.

Waiting for me to come the night she passed away. As soon as she knew I was in the room with her, she passed away moments later.

My breakdown – I really needed someone to talk to – I was all alone – except for Penny , and I scared her with my crying….. Mom sent Margaret to me. The phone rang within 30 mins. It was Margaret.

I saw Mom in the clouds, I felt her presence, and I felt her telling me that she was there for me; Calming me down, looking after me, and telling me that she was my guardian angel. She gave me a peace that I had not felt up to then. I knew she was there, and would always be there with me.

When I was breaking down in the car – worrying about all mom’s stuff – and how I would clear it out…..respectfully and relatively fast, an ad on the radio that I had never heard before and I have not yet heard since, came on for Caring Transitions. I made note – and ran home and spoke with them. They sounded great. Mom orchestrated that for me.

The delays, cancellation , etc at LGA for our return flight due to the major thunderstorm. Mom guided me through it. Got me to get on that agent line, and make new travel plans. The timing was perfect.

Also – when I got on the line to talk to an agent, there were 3 separate people in front of me. All of a sudden each one of them just walked away leaving me at the head of the line. I was able to work with Joshua – he worked out all the new travel plans for each of us….even as they were canceling the flight, and he was announcing that everyone should get on a different line with Delta’s customer service department…Joshua told me to hang tight – he continued to devote his time to me to get us all taken care of. Mom made that happen for us.

Pat told me about an experience she had also….. She got a beautiful oriental rug from mom. Pat placed it by the side of her bed. Mom always had strong opinions about where art should be placed. I guess she did not like where Pat placed it, because it seems like every day it ‘moved’ to the middle of the floor. Pat finally changed the spot – and it’s been quiet ever since.

 

 

 

I watch a lot of Late Night TV.  Two and a half years ago, when the unthinkable happened and  Trump was elected, it was comforting to hear these hosts give words to my opinions and capture how upset I was at that time.  Almost without precedence the late night hosts unanimously  expressed their anger and extreme frustrations at the State of OUR Union. I one hundred percent agree with them, however in the ensuing months  I started to get uneasy, and I started thinking that their anger and their contempt  almost seemed to rival the anger and contempt from our current political situation.  And while I still share these hosts’ frustrations, and beliefs about what is happening in America and with this current President, their delivery can sometimes border on the same nastiness that continuously exists in this crazy time. It is definitely not as vile or hostile as this administration and its’ supporters, yet it still seems  uncalled for.   I don’t like to see anyone, especially those in power, lashing out in anger. It’s an abuse.

I go with the old adage – you can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar.

I am looking for people – all people – to behave decently towards others. I hate the name calling, and I hate the negativity that runs through so many.  It is ugly any way you slice it. I’m still drawn towards a softer America, a kinder America.  And looking for nicer people. We can be better than this. Let’s not drift from our humanity.

 

Then I found Trevor Noah. Actually a friend lent me his book , his autobiography – Born a Crime. It is a wonderfully compassionate book that tells the story of a ‘colored’ man growing up in South Africa towards the end of Apartheid and rising above hatred. I loved the book – and I started to YouTube Trevor Noah, and finally found a Late Night Host who shares all of the other late night hosts frustrations and yes – anger – but he expresses his feelings in a much more sensitive and thoughtful way. And he, while voicing all of our complicated feelings, gets his points across with kindness and compassion  rather than extreme  ugliness. So, for me, I can totally agree with him – yet – I don’t get as filled with anger. And I feel that he is so much more of a better person than the people he is condemning.

 

In the last 2 years I have discovered Bridge. Not only is this  a ceaselessly,  never ending learning thrill, it is an amazing experience. Learning to communicate with your partner in a new mathematical  based language;  an unbelievable exercise for your mind, and  a true life-long learning event.   I have become a learning machine when it comes to Bridge. I take classes and try to play at least 2 times a week. Is it an obsession? Maybe – but, it allows me to be in the complete moment, totally focusing on something other than myself,  and true to this blog – it is a friendship generator. I have met so many other wonderfully obsessed people who share this passion, and are so committed to improving their game and learning Bridge. I also have a wonderfully compassionate partner who is on this journey with me. Bridge,  it appears to me, trickles down to the way I live my life, the way I think, the way I want to behave and interact with others, and the way I want to totally live in the moment.  In Bridge you must be trusting and trustworthy.  You have a special language  that you maintain with  your partner, and when you promise her something you better well mean it. There is an honesty that must be enforced, and you must be able to rely on  your partner. You need to develop your level of self awareness. I believe that the purpose of life is not happiness, but rather experience and growth. Happiness comes as a natural byproduct. Here’s something else I have learned from Bridge – to be vulnerable is to be courageous. In fact there is a tremendous Ted talk by Dr. Brené Brown about the Power of Vulnerability. 

I also am grateful to have found Bridge as I get older, and dealing on a day to day basis with people – like my mother, who have started to drastically decline. I take great notice of the way they have lived their lives up to this point. Have they taken care of their bodies along with their minds? Have they interacted with people in meaningful ways? Have they continued to learn and grow and maintain interests and friends?

Interesting,  I started reading about Warren Buffett and his love of Bridge. He is  88 years old right now and of course is an unbelievable investor and mentor. But he is also aging in a way that I totally admire and hope to age that way myself.  This man does not stop. The Oracle said he enjoys the game for the intellectual stimulation. It’s neither relaxing nor tension-filled. Just good mind exercise.“It really is a game that you are never going to see the same hand twice,” Buffett said. “You can play a hand every six or seven minutes every day for the rest of your life, and you will never see the same hand. It’s a game you can enjoy when you are in your 90s, and you are seeing a different intellectual challenge every seven minutes. It’s the best exercise there is for the brain.” He seems to approach life in the same way that he approaches investing.  And he invests in himself. Reading about him I have also found that he is  kind,  considerate of others and an honest person… Traits that I value deeply in my friendships and in myself.  I’ve always wondered who I would love to meet – living or dead. Without a doubt the person I would pick now is Warren Buffett. Interested in people and the events of world.  A learning machine,  a thinker, a good friend, a moral person. Who also, it appears has a passion for life, and loves be alive. WOW. How I would love to meet him…maybe even play a hand or two of Bridge with him.

 

My mother is declining. She is  still almost  sharp mentally.   Physically; not so good. She’s 91. She lives now in Boulder at an Assisted Living facility – the Carillon. It’s nice for her – she can still have a  real full apartment that is definitely not nursing home. In the 3 years that she has lived here I have witnessed  drastic and dramatic declines in her physical and mental health, her appearance, her attitude on life. I wonder all the time abut her and her process of dying vs living. She is quiet about it, and does not really want to share her thoughts. She never has. There is not much that she wants to do anymore. She reads the New York Times cover to cover.  She stays in her lovely apartment, Her ‘friends’ are now mainly the aides that come in daily to help her get dressed and assist her with daily life. Her life is getting smaller and smaller around her. I would love her to get out more. But – I’m not even sure if she wants to get out.

And, it’s hard –

I can’t really handle her wheel chair alone and it’s very difficult to see her sometimes through this process. I’m witnessing her live her life—-> actively living vs actively dying.  Update – I have seen a major decline in her mental capacities. She is losing interest in most of life.

A great book that I re-visit from time to time is Being Mortal by Atul Gawande.

My mother never was very physical in her younger years. She always said that she exercised her brain – not her body. She never liked to sweat. I now know how important mind/body connection is. I have learned many things watching her age – most importantly NEVER STOP MOVING. At a certain point – what you don’t use ; you really loose…. and at a certain age it is impossible to get it back.

My mother taught my sister and me her philosophy of ‘More So’.

Details in your life become more so as you age.  What you were, what you liked, what you did, what you believed…. become more so. 

And I miss my Mom,

the woman  who used to enjoy theater, art, NY City, friends. She was a proud woman.  The other day I was having lunch at the Carillon with Mom. A woman passed by who was very nicely dressed and made up. Mom saw her and kind of waved.  After a few seconds Mom  reached into her purse, and took out her compact blush – and applied some on her cheeks. It absolutely made my heart melt. I told her she was beautiful. I will love her forever and think about this single gesture with tears in my eyes.  There is still a little bit of Mom in this very old and fragile woman. I find her in there at times.

Our relationship has gone from her being my caretaker to me being hers.

Yes – the Carillon provides for her needs – and keeps her safe… but it’s me that she relies on, it’s me that she depends on to be there for her. I’m stuck in life right now – waiting, waiting… I can’t leave her. 

100 Years  Five for Fighting….(turn on your sound)

 

Well, I have not written in my Blog for some time. That’s not to say that I have not thought about it often. But – life sometimes gets in the way…been travelling too…just came back from a Mystical, Magical Winter Wonderland tour to Iceland.  And yes – I did see the Northern Lights!            

Another check off my bucket list.   😍  😎

 

 

Say what you mean. Mean what you say. 

Thoughts about Transparency….  It’s so strong, not to mention healthy,  to be honest and comfortable with oneself, it’s a beautiful thing.  At this stage in life, and I do mean my stage in life,  why bother playing games, why hide behind different cloaks…this seems so heavy to me, and so ridiculous.   Invite trust, and establish oneself as an honest credible human being. Be open, be in the moment, be real, be proud, be happy, be YOU.  Be Transparent…..Be Sexy!

 

I was literally knocked off my feet last night watching  the Grammy’s on TV…. and no – Not Jennifer Lopez singing Motown – what was that all about?????  It was the stellar Brandi Carlile singing The Joke.  Her performance was stunning.   I’m not sure if you can see her performance from the Grammy’s – but, literally at the end she was so into it, she was jumping up and down.  Now that to me –  was sexy! Interesting her album that The Joke came off of is called By the Way, I Forgive you.  Forgiveness ; another concept  – Healing – going along with Transparency.

 

Been thinking a lot these days about Tikkun Olam – a Hebrew term.  Another kind of friendship. Being a true friend of the World. Translated to mean: Tikkun = repair, Olam = the world.   Repairing the world; Social Action/Social Justice.  I think the concepts can  get really overwhelming fast.   Baby Steps.  These days it seems that there is so much to do. And it is easy to get  frustrated and go back to hiding under a rock – or saying let someone else take care of this. But how about just starting. “Start Anywhere”.   How about making a small commitment every day to do good.  Pay it forward if you can. Smile at someone. Here are some descriptions of Tikkun Olam that I have found on the internet:

The Mishnah teaches that each person is an entire world. Any tikkun made in that world reverberates through all the rest of the world. Each tikkun has the potential to change everything… the way you treat others, the commitments you make to family and friends—all these are means of tikkun olam, bringing the world yet closer to its ultimate state for which it was created. 

Tikkun Olam is often used exclusively to describe acts of social justice and environmental awareness. These are certainly important, as we are all responsible to right injustice. “Silence,” goes the Talmudic edict, “is consent.” 

And it is certainly vital that we ensure the sustainability of life upon this magnificent stage of creation.

You are not required to finish the task (of repairing the world) but neither are you at liberty to desist from it. – Rabbi Akiva

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.  Nelson Mandela

Last week I had the opportunity to drive down to Mexico with a friend. She has a small condo in a little fishing village on the Sea of Cortez – Bahia Kino.  My friend had recently lost her husband, and was wanting someone to take the drive with her. I volunteered thinking ‘kind of an adventure!

During the weeks leading up to our departure I was starting to feel apprehensive

concerned about the drive, driving in Mexico at all, and crossing the border, as well as dealing with some family issues.  We were both a bit apprehensive also as we had never really spent that amount of time in such close quarters together. Our get together’s were primarily a couple of hours – centered around dinner or lunch – pretty non-invasive.  This drive and trip turned out to be a fantastic and amazing time for me. It was wonderful taking the road trip with my friend and talking about our lives and loves, and getting to really know each other. We went from being surface friends to being really close friends.   

It was eye opening and liberating to be able to enjoy such a beautiful experience in so many joyful moments.

I am grateful that I was able to rock this trip, without too much preliminary agita. And, as I get older and more relaxed with myself again,  I am so happy that I still  have the ability to be open and let experiences  happen.  I would rather  look back on my life and say “I can’t believe I did that”  then to look back and say “I wish I did that”.

I’m going back to my hippie roots; taking life one day at a time; lovingly, peacefully, and joyfully.  YAY .      

I found this facebook page…love to look through the postings. Hippie Peace Freaks

 

During my torturous encounter with Nol outside of my home, one of the things that she kept screaming at me was that I had no Filter. That was funny/crazy  and actually fairly sad to me as I believe that not having a filter is  mostly a good thing.

If it’s good enough for the Stones…it’s good enough for me.

But – seriously this gets me to thinking…. As long as you’re not hurtful or mean, do you really want or even need a filter with friends? Is that a way of telling a true friend? Is that a way of being your true and authentic proud self and friend. It is important to be a good communicator, equally important to be as honest as possible. Treat people with respect.  Your best friends are the friends that have no filter. Those are the people I want in my life.   This goes hand in hand with my thoughts on transparency (more on that in a later blog). Honesty among friends is really the  best policy. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, it’s not cool to hurt a friend., yet at the same time be the friend that someone can always rely on to tell the truth in the most compassionate possible way 💕   Questions that I ponder, and,  I have to ask the question – Nol’s screaming at me – still trying to figure out…was that exactly a very bad example of not having a filter?